Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse Relationships Gottman – There are 4 things that some couples do on a regular basis that are so unhealthy that according to the Gottman Institute they are called the “four horsemen” as in the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse.
And how can this one institute make such bold claims, you ask? Well, it is known that the founder of the Gottman Institute, Dr. John Gottman predicts which couples will divorce with over 90% accuracy. We are very inclined to listen to him.
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Some riders? Why not cheating or lying or clinging or distress? Well, “these 4 things predict divorce because they each indicate disconnection and opposition in communication. Instead of expressing their emotions and needs, the couple engages in unhealthy patterns that impair their ability to connect and thrive,” says Hanna Stensby, Gottman Institute-trained Marriage and Family Therapist at Couples Learn Therapy.
The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse: Shortcutting Criticism
Without further ado, here are 4 riders to watch out for, along with “antidotes” to deal with them.
Criticism isn’t just a mild complaint or criticism — “this isn’t just talking about an action someone took or expressing a feeling, it’s talking about that person’s personality or character as flawed,” says Stensby. This type of criticism leaves partners feeling attacked, rejected, and hurt.
These criticisms usually take the form of “you” statements such as “you never listen to me,” “you’re never in the house,” and “you’ll always be the ‘fun’ parent.”
There is often a personal need hidden behind this reproach – we need our partner to listen more, we need him to take more responsibility, we didn’t have to bother him with washing the dishes. And when these needs are not met, we feel resentment and anger. “Criticism can also arise from a lack of self-compassion and self-confidence on the part of the critic or in response to a partner who is emotionally detached or withdrawn. down,” explains Stensby.
The Four Horsemen: The Antidotes
This criticism can escalate as each partner begins to criticize the other more often and more intensely as a way of getting back at the other.
According to Gottman, “the antidote to criticism is to complain without blame,” which means gently expressing your needs using “I” statements rather than resorting to “you” statements of blame.
Here’s a helpful guideline – if we’re trying to resolve a problem with our partner, we should think about these two questions before we speak:
Examining our own emotions and needs allows us to reframe the problem to be about us rather than our partner’s shortcomings.
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Here’s an example of a criticism and then how to reframe that criticism into a positive “I” statement:
“You know the kids aren’t allowed to use the iPad until they finish all their homework. You always let them do what they want!”
“The kids are using their iPads, but they haven’t finished their homework yet. I need your help to make sure they follow this rule.”
Giving our partner a chance to “fix” the problem without blaming them is a healthier and more productive approach to conflict management. When we shift from statements of guilt to statements that focus on our own needs and finding common solutions, we also reject other riders like contempt and defensiveness by nipping them in the bud.
Understanding The
We actively show contempt for our partners. We love them! That’s why we choose to spend our lives with them, right? But anyone who has been married knows that love and hate are not always opposite emotions.
Contempt doesn’t necessarily look like hate—it can look like meanness and mockery, condescension and sarcasm. Eye rolls, taunts, and name-calling are also forms of contempt.
Because while criticism can signal pent-up frustration or an unmet need, contempt signals long-term contempt for a partner. “Overtime, if we don’t express our own needs, we can build feelings of anger. Additionally, when we feel unappreciated, we may feel resentful. These feelings of resentment, if directed at our partner, can turn into contempt,” says Stensby.
The most dangerous part of this hidden resentment and contempt? It negates the respect and admiration we have for our partner. “Our ability to value our partner is diminished by repeatedly not having our needs met or feeling unappreciated,” says Stensby. “As a result, we resort to criticizing our partner and then putting ourselves on the moral high ground by claiming that we are smarter, kinder, cleaner, etc. than them.”
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You know the kids aren’t allowed to use the iPad until they finish all their homework. You always let them do what they want!”
God, it’s like you don’t even know parenting. Do you see kids using their iPads? Have they finished their homework or are you no longer interested? Like I have to be YOUR parents too!”
Contempt is so dangerous that couples who show contempt are more likely to get sick, according to Gottman’s research. Yuck.
Contempt can be hard to shake, especially when the antidote seems simple, but in reality, overcoming it is at the heart of any healthy relationship.
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A short-term cure for contempt is to “describe your feelings and needs.” This is an instant fix, similar to an antidote to criticism.
“I need more help with the kids and I need us to be on the same page about them according to our rules.”
But the long-term solution is more difficult and far more important. This requires building a “culture of affection and admiration” in the relationship. It takes time, often starts small, and requires sustained effort over time. According to Stensby, “expressing our needs and talking about our feelings to our partners will reduce resentment. It is also important to express gratitude and compliments to our partners and keep this in mind when we feel frustrated so that we continue to see them in a positive light. By creating a practice of respecting our partners, we eliminate contempt in the relationship.”
To reduce contempt, Gottman also recommends doing “small, positive things for your partner every day” as a way to start.
Overcoming Dr. John Gottman’s Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse
Learning to suppress contempt can be especially difficult for people who are sarcastic or teasing. We may need to take a closer look at whether our “jokes” are actually funny, or if they’re actually hurtful and contain deep-seated resentment, which means “talking to people about how they’re receiving those jokes,” Stensby explains. . “Notice if the jokes fall flat or if people seem hurt afterwards.” And when in doubt, “
A joke about your own character. If the joke is on the other person, is it really funny? You can still make fun of something without putting others down,” he says.
“If we feel like we often have ‘problems’ or are trying to find a way to release the heavy emotion of shame, we may be acting defensively. If we notice that we are reacting to feedback with an apology, an attack on the other, or some resistance to accepting responsibility, then we are fighting back,” explains Stensby.
None of us likes to feel attacked, rejected or criticized. But the defensive reaction can also be harmful.
Dr 1. John Gottman Spent 40 Years Researching Marital Stability And Theorized These 4 Horsemen Of The 1 1
Why? Because it means we are not willing to acknowledge or admit our own mistakes. And instead of facing our shortcomings, we invoke “righteous indignation” or “innocent victimhood” to direct criticism back at our partner as a form of self-protection. We did it
Did you pay off your mortgage this month? If we do not pay it on time, we will be charged a high late fee.
How am I supposed to remember to pay ALL our bills when I’m also in charge of raising the kids, cooking AND cleaning? It’s your job to remind me, and if you don’t, then it’s your fault if we get a late fee, not mine.
Defensiveness escalates the conflict because instead of absorbing the complaint, we transform it into a new criticism of our partner, leading to a cycle of criticism that can lead to contempt.
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According to Gottman, it’s pretty clear – “take responsibility”. We cannot begin to mitigate conflict unless both partners take responsibility for their part.
To do this, “we can ask people close to us if they experience our defensiveness… but we must be willing to hear what they say. Self-compassion allows us to better admit our mistakes instead of defending ourselves,” explains Stensby.
Oops, I forgot. I’m so sorry. I will pay as soon as possible and set reminders in my calendar so I don’t forget again.
This means that we recognize our own shortcomings while showing genuine concern for our partner’s feelings, and we become better at solving problems because we are less resistant to change. For a healthy relationship, both partners must be able to do this, otherwise the blame will always fall on the shoulders of one partner.
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The last of the 4 riders, stonewalling, is the tendency to simply stop or withdraw from conflict, closing ourselves off from our partners rather than engaging with them.
“A stone wall is when a listener becomes silent and inactive in a discussion,” says Stensby. “Non-verbal signs of stonewalling are lack of eye contact, crossed arms, staring